Once more with feeling...

No one warns you of the moment when you are putting on another shirt that belongs to your spouse, and you catch a surprise glance of yourself in the mirror. The utter shock and dismay that was registering my face was appalling. Not only was I getting a glimspe of my face in utter disgust but I was also looking at myself entirely too. I saw the dark circles under my eyes forming, the extra weight I got as a prize from my hysterectomy, the added weight in my face from inflammation. I was picking myself apart from top to bottom. In that very moment when my own reflection betrayed me, I realized that I was being a bully. Deep down I knew that I have done so much self work leading up to that point that would warrant me to look exactly as I had felt for so long. There was so much happening in my thirties that I should not have been shaming myself. I should have been telling myself that I was proud of me. The amount of work it takes to break generational curses, accept and forgive the past, let go of pain that I carried for years is unmeasurable. I left a life of love witchcraft, self motivated speakers behind. While prior to that I was trying to handle all of my trauma on my own. I moved to another state and it is there that I gave it all to God. He came in and started healing all the parts inside of me that was causing me to be detached from who it is God wanted me to be. But the body keeps a tole on the things we carry. Even if we carry them, work through them, and give them to God. The body keeps the score. That mirror reflection is just a physical example of how much I have endured over the years. Those dark circles are late night praying sessions and tears. Those wrinkles around my forehead are traces of worry marks from worrying about my family during Covid and being isolated with just the kids while my husband was away. The weight in my face is a result of the stress of accepting things I cannot change. The added weight in my midsection is a result of a surgery that I chose to get because I did not want to risk my life. It is the proof that I want to be here and I want to be here as long as God allows. That reflection I bullied is a reflection of a person who has fought her way to get here. A person who against her family at times, and at times friends, continued to work on herself. I became a better mother because of it, I became a better wife (still learning that), and I became a better witness for God through this testimony of his presence over my life.

How did I get here? God carried me here. My body is tired and so is my mind. But inside my heart I have peace. I know that I have healed so much and I want my outside to reflect those changes. It is time to stop letting myself be a bully to myself. ( I hope that made sense.) IT is time that I start fighting for my self again. The work isn't done yet. IT is time to start putting better things in, more postiive thoughts, more better foods, better sleep, better clothes that I actually want to wear, and more adventures outside my home! It is time I start being whimsy again! I realized that even though I have endured so much, that did not mean I was done. This is a new season of my life. I am stepping into a new version of me all over again! Am I scared? no. Am I ready? no. Am I going to do it anyway? I have too. It is vital to be my very best self. It is time to get to work again. I am stepping out in faith that God will see me through this one as He has through all of my others. It is time to get out of the mirror and out of my mind.

So as I stand in the mirror today, I say this to myself, " Here we go, again. Once more with feeling."

Because if I am going to go through another growth season of my life, I am going to start it with a Buffy quote.

Whimsy is a mindset, cozy is a life, and God is the river that runs between.

Love,

A

RIP: Nicholas Brendon, thank you for being Xander Harris. Thank you for being the smile I looked forward too. I am sorry you struggled so much. I hope you have found peace.<3