Rambelings of a Writer

The truth is I have wanted to write my entire life. I dreamed about it as a young child and have written many times. So many stories left unfinished in my mind. Nothing feels right. The more I force it the more nothing comes out. But I have always been able to write poetry. There has not been one time to which I couldn't express my emotions without it. And when I think farther back into my life I know exactly the time I fell in love with poetry. I was a seventh grader and forced to read for class. I found a poet named Langston Hughes. I read his poems over and over and I remember knowing that those words were powerful. Those words were meaningful. And those were the words I wanted to write more of. I started writing my own poetry in high school. That is where my thoughts escaped too and gave my voice an outlet. I felt safe in the pages of my journals to say whatever I wanted and that truth still rings true today. As I have gotten older that truth has never changed I believe poetry will always be apart of who I am, it will always be a way I express my inner deepest feelings. I think I will start praying for guidance on writing a poetry book. Compiling a bunch of my poems into a center collective and publishing them. They deserve to be seen by others who may find comfort in them. Though the though terrifies me, that is one of the reasons I feel I must have to complete it. It is equivalent to setting a bunch of birds trapped in a cage, free into the sky. Once the words are published and out of my personal files, they are free. Free to wrap their hands around anyone's heart that reads them. I don't think I was supposed to keep my poetry to myself. Even though it goes all I know to share them. I had a good friend of mine tell me a few months ago that I was already a writer and a poet. I did not have to aspire to be what I already am. And I have pondered that thought for a long time. He was right. I don't have to publish a book to be an author, or poes to be a poet, if I write- I am already who I am. 

Does it get disheartening when I see other people publish their works? Oh yes more than I care to admit it. I pray for forgiveness every time I feel a bitter thought coming through. I can't stop it sometimes, I just feel a bit mad that they got to the finish line first. But then I know that this isn't a race. The space is for everyone, and not just me. What do I care if mine takes time? What do I care if it never gets done but simply on this blog? God has put a purpose in my heart as I have grown older to consistently tell myself that "my" dreams are insignificant to the plans he has stored for me. I can aim to publish books and be this best selling author I have always wanted to be and that would be great. I would have people who know me say congratulations, and people would want me to sign the books. I would go on tours maybe and I would be sucessful. But what would that do for God really? All of the signs would point to me. What I have done. Not what God has done THROUGH me. I think this is why I have slowed down my journey to becoming an author, when thanks to my friend I already am. I am writing every day in my journals and I am writing in the posts I share. I write to my friends who need encouragement, and I write on my blogs. I don't want to ever assume because I have done something that it is because I was the one to do it. I want my work whatever it is to be the work God has placed before me. Through his words, I want to share the gifts he has given me. 

There are so many things I pray to Him about but one of them is my socials, my writing, and the gifts he has given me. Often times I am not sure why he gave gifts to me if I did not know where to begin. I don't know sometimes what to staart first and where he wants me. I have to pray that when he does guide me that I will obey. I will do what he asks of me even if no one knows it. 

I think the obedience to write comes from a long time of growing me into the person He is crafting me to be. If I had written a book a long time ago the words would not be the words that I would even agree with now. They would be full of pain and bitterness. The words would be full of pride and selfishiness. Even in the pain of my struggles, I can tell deep down that God is crafting me into the person he wants ready for the job. And when the time is right, He will guide me along as he is already doing now. 

So I will pray over my poetry, I will pray over my stories, I will pray over my blogs, and anythign elese God sets before me. For I do not need a book with my name on it to tell me that I am someone. God knows me. HE created me. And to Him, I am just who he made me to be.

Love,

A